A question that my single friends and I ponder a lot is this gem "where do I meet people?". Now, this question didn't haunt me until after I'd graduated college because holy cow, meeting new people is the norm there. But once I became an adult and moved into a career (especially the female dominated career of education) I'm at a total loss as to where to meet people.
The obvious answer to these questions would seem to be finding people in these places: singles wards, singles ward/stake activities, institute. I get you, this makes sense. Logically, when you put a bunch of single people in one place they'll find each other and it will all work out. And obviously, this does work for some blessed people. But it seems to be not working for a growing number of people (hello high rate of single members of the Church of Jesus Christ). Let me give you one theory as to why.
But first some backstory.
I recently moved into a family ward, and I did it before my "expiration age" of 31. The reason I did that was because I was becoming more and more unhappy when I went to church. I had some promptings to check out the family ward. When I finally went there and sat down I was astounded at the lack of anxiety I felt. I was mostly astounded because I hadn't realized until right then that I'd been feeling constant anxiety at church for so long. This anxiety didn't have anything to do with my testimony, with questions or doubts or any kind of faith crisis. It existed only because I didn't know my purpose for going to church.
You see, when I was going to a singles ward I wasn't sure if the purpose of going to church was for me to partake of the sacrament, learn about the gospel, and buoy up my fellow saints, or if the purpose was for me to meet someone. And if the purpose was all of those things, then I was constantly failing at one of them. So I came home from every meeting exhausted and anxious and angry at myself because I hadn't flirted or asked anyone out or gotten anyone to ask me out (I literally can't remember the last time a human male has asked me on a date in person) or even been interested in anyone (the pickings get slimmer as you get older...). I wasn't able to go to church and just partake of the gospel because I felt like that wasn't the only reason I was there. This feeling was exacerbated by continuous single jokes, elbow jabs and winky eyes, and flat out counsel on dating and marriage, some by my fellow ward members, and some by the married leaders of our ward. My singleness was defining me.
But the problem wasn't me and my social anxiety (which, I mean, is not not part of the problem). The reason I wasn't meeting people, or flirting, or getting dates wasn't because I wasn't trying hard enough.
When you walk into a singles ward or activity, logically you would assume that they are there so they can all meet people to date and then marry. The problem is, that is definitely not why they're all there. Some people in the singles ward are terrified of committment and absolutely not interested in dating. Some people in the singles ward are dating someone seriously or are even engaged. Some people in the singles ward are gay and aren't interested in or don't feel capable of dating someone of the opposite gender. Some people in the singles ward just straight up aren't interested in marriage. However, nearly all of those people are going to activities on a regular basis because in order to feel like an active ward member they go to activities. How many EQP's (Elder Quorum President's) have I seen at ward and stake actitivies even though I know that they are incredibly engaged? Sure, I'm glad they're at the activity, I want them to be part of the ward. But if I'm supposed to meet someone by going to an activity, how do I know who to talk to in order for it to be an actually good use of my time? Especially when it's a stake activity and there are literally over 1,000 people there. So unsurprisingly what do most people do? They talk to the people they already know from their ward (and likely the people they already know they aren't interested in).
So I ask my question again "where do I meet people"? Unfortunately the answer for me and many of my friends just hasn't been in the singles ward. (And do not even get me started on Mutual, that's a whole other blog post. Or seven.)
My proposals:
- Dry bars - I 3000% think soda places in Utah need to step up and host singles nights. Why have they not done this yet? I recently walked into my first bar to hang out with some colleagues (don't worry Mom, I just had water) and I got checked out more in that one night than in the last 5-6 years of singles wards.
- SINGLES activities - I know this sounds like I'm proposing the same thing as above but hear me out. What if singles wards had activities for people who were actually single and actively wanted to change that status? So all those engaged EQP's? Yeah, you're not invited.
- Actually set up your single friends like you totally say you will but never do - yeah you*, I'm talking to you. You say you know someone you'd like to set your friend up with and then you ghost them like a Provo bro on Mutual (all terms that if you haven't been single for the last 5 years you won't understand and be grateful)
You have any proposals?
*the only person this doesn't apply to is my sister-in-law Sarah who is BOMB at actually following through and setting me up and she will receive so many blessings in heaven.
*also Camille Crawley
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