Forgiveness

Sorry about skipping yesterday. It was my first 5.5 hours of teaching dance straight day, and I didn't leave the studio until 10. So...I was un poco dead.

And I've gotta be honest, this Valentines Day has been harder on me than it has been since that recurring junior high experience when I didn't get a carnation in my 7th period class year after year. (One of the reasons, by the way, I decided to buck up and like Valentines Day because it was a million times better than dreading it every year.) I'm not sure what it is, but I've found myself being haunted by the past. I have been feeling anger toward old flames and feeling anger toward myself for being the person they didn't want. Feeling frustration for where I am and where I'm not. Wishing for the simplicity it seems my life had in other times. And overall, not having the energy or desire to feel the Valentines spirit. I feel I must confess that I have broken the following Valentines rules.

1. Eating my bowl of candy without writing down things I love, or even intending to. 
2. Not finding love songs/quotes everyday
3. Not even trying to serve those around and thinking almost entirely of myself. And most embarrassingly
4. Listening to breakup songs. Like T-Swift breakup songs. Hardcore. Like blasting them. 

I knew I needed to write something tonight but I just didn't want to, so I started watching my new favorite show Numb3rs. And a line struck me, "forgiveness is necessary for the optimal result". I knew I needed to write about it, but I wasn't sure why until I opened this page, and this song came to mind. 

Forgiveness. An extremely important form of love. For others, for yourself. When you go into the adventure that should be filled with the most full love of all in this life, marriage, you must be quick to forgive, to understand. And when you want to love and accept yourself, you must be quick to forgive, to understand that making mistakes is part of the territory. 

Forgive yourself for not being the person you expected when you were 8, 18, or even last week. 

Forgive people for not living up to your ideals. To be fair, they don't know what your ideals are, they have their own that they are busy trying to live up to. 

Forgive people who have wronged you, especially if they've already apologized. 

Forgive people who have wronged you, especially if they haven't apologized. 

Forgiveness is such a full love; showing that you see and accept the beauty of a person that they may have obscured by their actions or choices. But you know it's there, and you refuse to stop seeing it. You must never stop seeing it. In others. In yourself. The moment you do, that's when the joy and love leak out of your heart, leaving it open to emptiness. Emptiness, the absence of love. 

No wonder God and Christ are so full of love. 

I do apologize for the emo-ness and self-indulgence of this post.