Help Thou my Unbelief

There is a phrase in the scriptures that I always had the hardest time understanding. In the New Testament, a father brings his son to Christ to be healed of an evil spirit. Christ tells him that all things are possible to those that believe. And then the father says (actually cries out) an interesting thing. Mark 9:24

Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief. 

I have faced many trials in my life, as all people do. But it wasn't until a recent trial caught me unawares that I fully comprehended this scripture. 

As I was faced with this trial, I went first through shock, and then I quickly turned to the Gospel. Because I had to. Because there was no other choice. I knew the only balm I could find was in God and my Savior. That much I knew. But what I didn't know (and what I'm still working on knowing because I am terrifically imperfect) was that God's will for me far exceeds what I will for myself. 

I mean, I know this in that I read it, I comprehend it, I tell other people this. I believe it. I truly do. But I don't yet believe it. It doesn't resonate in all of my soul. It doesn't give me that continual peace. It doesn't allow me consistent hope. 

Yet, I believe I will believe it one day. I believe that after I have worked through this trial, after I have come to the other end with Christ and God and find myself the victor (in whatever fashion that takes) I will truly believe it, and will come to know it. 

This reminds me of an experience in my American Christianity class at BYU. This was one of the best classes I ever took. It opened my eyes more than nearly any other class in my whole life. And one day we had a panel of Protestant Christian ministers and members come to our class to answer questions. Now, those of you who are Mormon and have ever been in a "faith versus works" discussion will likely not be surprised that this came up. Often, as Mormons, we emphasize that faith without works is dead (James 2:26, as well as verse 20). Sometimes we preach this to the point that we can over-emphasize works and devalue faith. I don't think I've ever been in one of these discussions without it coming up that "other" Christian religions believe all they have to do is say they have faith in Christ and they are good to go. Now, this isn't without precedent. Matthew 7:21

Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 

But one thing I learned from this discussion was something a very wise girl said. When she was asked about the question, and when it was insinuated that we felt that she felt all she had to do was proclaim faith in Christ she said something along these lines. She said it wasn't that she just said she had faith in Christ. It was that it was the only thing. All she could really do was have faith in Christ. It was almost a desperate act. She was grasping for him and proclaiming faith in him because it was truly all she could do when all was said and done. 

I understand that desperation as I haven't ever before. As I faced this trial, it could have been easy for me to turn away and live in my depression and anger and frustration. But I turned to God and Christ, because it was the only thing. Oh Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. 

Alma 32:27

...even if ye can do no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words. 

Soft Sunday Sounds: Lot was not a jerky dad.

So for the past couple of months I have been reading the Old Testament. Now I have read the Old Testament before at least twice, but I have never actually enjoyed it. And to be honest, I didn't think I was going to enjoy it this time either, but I had a goal.

I do this scripture study thing these days where I read a verse, then read all the footnotes associated with it. Yes, it's time-consuming and sometimes fairly exhausting. However, for all those lame footnotes that are just referencing every time they reference a specific location or person, there are some really great ones and some that will completely open my eyes or change my perspective. Suffice it to say, even before beginning this project a few years ago I was passionate about footnotes (history nerd) but now I have gotten so into them I have begun making my own.

Back to the story. Some of these footnotes will reference the JST or Joseph Smith Translation of the Bible. There are two kinds of these, there is the JST where just a few words are changed and are then inserted into the footnotes, and then there are changes which are very long and are put as endnotes in the back of the Bible. The difficulty with the endnote versions are that they are a little annoying to look up. And I must admit that sometimes I don't want to go to the trouble of doing it. See I really do have passionate opinions on footnotes versus endnotes. However, those endnotes can often totally change the narrative. Today I want to write about a narrative changing JST in Genesis.

In Genesis 19, we read of Lot entertaining and housing 3 holy men. A group of men from Sodom come to Lot's house. They then ask for the holy men to come out so that they may know them, a euphemism for sex. Obviously, Lot refuses.

Now here is where things change drastically if you read the JST. In the King James Translation version, Lot offers his daughters to the men as an alternative to the holy men. Now, I am a historian and think it is important to read things in context, and the Old Testament is very different from our times as regards to views on many things, one of them being women. However, not as different as this story suggests.

In the JST we see two important changes in this story that I would like to point out.

1. In verse 11, the crowd, after being denied the holy men, asks for both the men and the daughters of Lot
2. In verse 13, Lot expressly pleads that his daughters are not released to the crowd, being more fervent in that plea than he was about the holy men. And rightly so, they are his daughters!

There are two important ramifications of this major narrative shift. The first is simple: Lot was not a jerky dad. He cared deeply about his daughters and their safety. He did not hand them over as prizes to this sex-craved group of Sodomites. 

The second ramification is a little more complex, and I think, much more important. It is so often cited that the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was homosexuality. And this story is cited as an example of that. And in the footnotes that is reflected, as when the crowd asks for the holy men, the footnote takes you to the topical guide entry on homosexuality. And I don't want to talk about the doctrinal ideas of the Gospel and homosexuality because I am intensely undecided and extremely cautious when it comes to that. In addition I don't want to talk about that because it is the very fact that we focus on that in this story that we fail to realize something. 

This story is about rape. 

Think about, a crowd (by the way, though it says men in the beginning of the verse, the ending of it "all the people from every quarter" suggests to me that this crowd is in fact men and women) of people come to this house, demanding for people to have sex with. This is a story of a failed attempt of gang rape, in every sense of the word. There is no way around that. A group of people who want to have sex with individuals who do not want it. And when we make this story about homosexuality, not only is that argument tenuous, but it completely diverts from a matter that is far more important. A matter that concerns that spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and other types of safety of everyone involved. A matter that is still incredibly problematic today, hurting so many people in so many different situations. 

This is especially clear when you read the JST verses 11 and 12. My emphasis is added.

11. Wherefore they said unto the man, We will have the men, and thy 

daughters also; and we will do with them as seemeth us good. 

12. Now this was after the wickedness of Sodom. 

This, doing whatever they wanted sexually with unwilling people, this is the sin of Gomorrah. 

Realizing this has made me even more grateful for the Joseph Smith Translation than I ever have been. I read this a couple of weeks ago, and have recently been reading a lot of things of the rape culture in our society (one of them this great one by Shannon Hale), both in the Mormon society and in the society at large. And with this narrative shift I greatly appreciate the vision that Joseph Smith must have had of the Gospel. An issue that was not a public issue at his time is addressed in this change, and I find that to have such foresight, to show such a broad vision of what eternity should look like. 

So today I am grateful for JST, for Joseph Smith's insights, for narrative changing moments. 

A defense of my Mormon feminism.

I've been writing this blog post in my mind for a few weeks now. Much like during the great pants debate, there have been lots of blogs and articles shared on Facebook for the last few weeks. Also much like the great pants debate, it has caused me to feel frustrated by what seem to be generalized statements thrust upon the motivations of those darned "feminists".

Because let's be clear, when you speak of "feminists" you are talking about me. A temple-recommend holder, temple garment wearer, three-hour block attender who reads her scriptures daily and prays fervently to find answers to her questions. You are also talking about other women who fit this description as well. You are also speaking of women who may not fit this description in one way or another. Basically, you are talking about a variety of people, and generalizations just ain't gonna work.

So here are some assumptions that have been directed at me through this transitive property of feminism. (That is likely the first and last mathematical principle ever to be found on this blog.)

• I clearly don't understand the Gospel
• I am unrighteous and being led astray by Satan as shown by my lack of testimony 
• The agitation I am creating in the Church is too political and not following the guidance of the Prophets and Apostles
• I think men and women should be the same
• I am not proud of being a woman or am somehow ashamed of womanhood 
• I am prideful and think women are better than men

I will now go on to talk about how these assumptions have made me feel personally. I want it clear that I am discussing my personal understandings, reactions, and feelings about these assumptions. I cannot speak for the whole of feminists any more than you can speak for the whole of your city, country, gender, etc. This point is important to remember when discussing anything. Seriously. Don't forget it. 

• I clearly don't understand the Gospel
• While I am not going to claim by any means to be in complete understanding of the Gospel, neither, I would argue, are you. We are all searching for answers to our questions. It just so happens that my questions might make you uncomfortable. But the truth is, the lack of adequate answers to my questions is making me uncomfortable. Which is why I still have those questions! I find it extremely important that we don't equate questions people have with a simple lack of Gospel understanding on their part. Just because you don't have questions about women and the Priesthood, doesn't mean others shouldn't. Allow them to have questions. You have questions about other things. Why is this any different?

• I am unrighteous and being led astray by Satan as shown by my lack of testimony 
• I will admit that I only saw once the inference that a woman who was talking about women and the Priesthood was being led astray by Satan. And I realize that this is definitely not a mainstream argument. That being said, I have felt the insinuation of unrighteousness couched in many comments. It is never, never, never appropriate to question someone's righteousness unless you have direct stewardship over them. It turns out, that isn't your job. 

• The agitation I am creating in the Church is too political and not following the guidance of the Prophets and Apostles
• One reason I find this to be problematic is a specific argument I simply can't leave unattended from the highly Facebook popular blog post "The Mormon Feminist Protest: And Why I Won't Be There". The author mentions that God's opinion doesn't change just because the world's opinion does. While this is completely true in some ways, I would argue that it is untrue in other ways. The world's way isn't God's way, and I find that to be very true. However there are many ways in which God has directed His church in such a way that it is palatable to the surrounding culture, allowing the Church to be accepted, spread, and enjoyed by more people. The Church changes culturally as the world changes culturally. While there are things that will never change (our beliefs in morality, our assertion of a Savior, etc.) there are many things that have changed, are changing, and will change. Isn't it possible that this is one of them?
• Finally, historically, the way change happens in the Church is by questions asked. This is a pattern of revelation shown to us in the scriptures. Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you. In an organization as large as the Church currently is (which is wonderful and problematic all at the same time), asking questions such as this will either need to be asked exactly to the right people (which people are not necessarily accessible to the public for meetings) or asking questions a bit loudly. \
• Oh also let me just introduce you to this quote by the late Gordon B. Hinckley. (for the full interview go here)
• David Ransom: At present women are not allowed to be priests in your Church...Is it possible that the rules could change in the future..?
  Gordon B. Hinckley: He could change them yes...But there's no agitation for that. We don't find it.
  
  
• I think men and women should be the same
• I don't think men and women are the same, I don't think they should be the same, and I never think they will be the same. I think gender is eternal, specific, different and sacred. Though I will admit that I don't quite know what the differences between gender are eternally (this is another question of mine that will likely be a lifelong quest), I know that there are differences and that they are important. 

• I am not proud of being a woman or am somehow ashamed of womanhood 
• I very much like my gender though I may not subscribe to the cultural gender norms many in the Church accept. I know that womanhood is important and divine. One thing I heard from one of my favorite humans Valerie Hudson Cassler about womanhood reminded me that we don't know what the feminine divine is. We have a clear idea of what men are and should be since the scriptures are largely, as she said, "Priesthood manuals", written by men and for men. Just because I don't yet fully understand what womanhood means doesn't mean I don't accept it. 
• This is linked to another difficulty I have had in that I, personally, struggle with a desire for children and I always have. Sometimes I want to have that desire, sometimes I want to want to have that desire, and very rarely and only in small snippets have I had that desire. May I suggest that the desire to have children can be a great gift, and those who do not immediately possess it are not unrighteous or ashamed of their womanhood, they are simply not given that gift by default? Perhaps it is a gift they must work for, I know it is something I am doing. So please, please, don't judge a woman as unrighteous even if she doesn't have that desire. Like having questions, I'm sure there are righteous things you do not have a  desire to do, why must this be different?
• I apologize this was a small tangent. It doesn't necessarily fit right into the topic at hand it is just something I've been struggling with for some time and wanted to write about it. Because that's how I do. 

• I am prideful and think women are better than men
• NO. In fact, I find that most of the arguments behind my feminism actually elevate the status of men. Many of my beliefs as a feminist stem from a place where both men and women lose something by the way things culturally are currently. The way we teach about sexuality hurts both men and women but is often considered something on the "feminist" agenda. The pedestal women are put on hurts both men and women in its implications. And a more specific understanding of women's role in the Priesthood (whether that is ordination or something else) will be of great help to both women and men. 
• I, for one, am often annoyed that I am not chastised as often as the men of the Church and worry that they aren't praised as much as they should be because of the cultural norms to which we often ascribe. So there is no way my feminism declares me to be better than men. 
• Another clear problem with this argument is the fact that I have encountered multiple men who call themselves feminists and who even are in the group who are "agitating" for female ordination. In fact, the first person I ever talked to and knew in real life that suggested their belief in female ordination was a man. A man that I was on a date with no less (it was clearly a good date). And to be quite honest I was a little uncomfortable with his assertions at the time. 
• I won't pretend I'm not prideful. And I won't pretend that perhaps my initial gravitation toward feminism in jr. high and high school stemmed from that pride. (Come on though, pretend your pride levels weren't through the roof at that age, I dare you.) But as I now contemplate my feminism, I do so in much prayer, asking near constantly for humility so that pride doesn't mar my way. And after all that asking, I'm still here. 

Let me conclude by saying, if you don't agree with me, that's fine, absolutely and completely. But I would prefer you talk to me about in a manner that doesn't presuppose something about me because of my ideas. I will be attempting in my very human way to do the same for you.  

If you are looking for more information on this, here's a wonderful article against female ordination from my favorite human. "The Two Trees". Also, from what I have seen of the blog "A Well-Behaved Mormon Woman", she doesn't seem to unfairly represent feminists. 

As for pro-articles, I would especially link you to the Ordain Women FAQ, and the All Are Alike Unto God FAQ. 

In the undecided category I would refer you to posts by Ask Mormon Girl on the Priesthood as well as this interesting debate/blog post on the motherhood/Priesthood parallel. 

Soft Sunday Sounds: Because you never know.

Today I am visiting a friend's ward in Provo. While sitting in the hall waiting for Sunday School to start a man who was clearly a stake leader came over and introduced himself. He asked if I was in the stake, yadda yadda small talk. I figured he just came to talk to me because I was sitting by myself and stake leaders can't let that happen right? But whatever his personal reasoning was, the the reason the Lord prompted him to talk to me was what is important. 

We had finished our little conversation and as he was leaving he just stopped and told me how beautiful my eyes were. He asked if I was married or single,  when I said I am single he said "whoever you marry will be lucky to be able to stare into those eyes. You are a beautiful girl."

Now that could have been a really awkward and potentially dangerous thing for a man to to say a single young girl. But it was exactly what I needed at that moment. And he didn't know that. How could he have known? To be honest I didn't even realize I needed that boost at that point. But I did, and it proved helpful for in multiple ways.

"We don't know what God is preparing us for. He knows what He needs us for but often we don't. So why complain when we are so humanly short sighted?"

I found this in some of my church notes today. It was written about a trial that I am still working through but I am much closer to overcoming it. And now as I am on the crest of that trial I have found another one that has been festering below the surface for years and it is time to face the big bad wolf that apparently I have feeding. And I don't know why I have it, or how I will overcome it. But God does, and so I have gotta trust Him and just allow what comes to be what it is supposed to be.

Oops. This kind of became a diary entry.

How is everyone not talking about Elder Ballard?

I know that everyone comes away from General Conference with different thoughts, different favorite speakers. And clearly, I tend to not favor those talks that everyone leaves Conference talking about. Example: Elaine S. Dalton. She is a lovely woman who has a 'missionary-style' of speaking that I automatically tune out. Plus, she keeps trying to tell me all women are meek and...I'm not. (I have some serious ideas and feelings about gender.) But it's really a prideful thing for me. Like I'm the one with the pride (always) In fact, I was so unaffected by her talk that I didn't even realize that she mentioned her tour with the BYU Folk Dancers. So you know, that's embarrassing.


So I know my taste is a bit different than others, but I am seriously blown away right now that the only talk that actually brought me to tears hasn't been mentioned by anyone.  M Russell Ballard's talk "This is My Work and My Glory" was absolutely wonderful to me. I think the reason I am so surprised there is no chatter about it (other than some memes about tomato plants) is that there was so much hype about women praying for the first time in General Conference but no one noticed his talk on the Priesthood that mentioned men and women the same number of times?

Now, don't get me wrong, I was very excited about women praying in General Conference. Remember how I'm a feminist? I haven't clarified my feminist ideas on the interwebs mostly because they are still forming and changing and all that. And the interwebs has a permanency about it. However, suffice it to say that my ideas of feminism definitely include women and the Priesthood. It's a topic I've wondered about a lot, especially since my host family experience in New Orleans, Louisiana with the folk dance team last summer. My host mom and I discovered that we are like long-lost friends who must have known each other in the pre-existence. I remember that we were driving home from church and I was definitely planning on a beautiful nap (it was our first and only free Sunday all tour) but we couldn't stop talking! And this topic was what really brought us together.

Here are the two quotes that meant the most to me from this talk.

The powers by which the heavens and the earth were created is the Priesthood. 

Men have the unique responsibility to administer the Priesthood, but they are not the Priesthood. Men and women have different but equally valued roles. Just as a woman cannot conceive a child without a man, so a man cannot fully exercise the power of the Priesthood to establish an eternal family without a woman. In other words, in the eternal perspective, both the procreative power and the priesthood power are shared by husband and wife. 

Now, these quotes are important to me for the following reasons. 

1. For the first time in my memory, a talk about the Priesthood in a  general session didn't say "Men have the Priesthood and women have babies". Because women don't have babies, men and women have babies. Which brings me to my next point
2. He very clearly linked the Priesthood with the power of creation, and the power of creation is very clearly a power contingent upon both a man and a woman. Even the creation of the universe, being a creation, must have involved female. See Michelangelo's Creation of the Man for details. Clearly this isn't doctrine that anyone has said. So I'm totally allowing for the possibility that I'm wrong.
   
   

   

   The artistic line of God's power comes from Christ (the baby whose God's hand is on) through Eve (the woman who his arm is draped around) to Adam.

   3. They also allude to the fact that marriage, being the highest order of the Priesthood, is already shared by men and women. (Again, my interpretation, I will allow the idea of my wrongness.) 
   
   
   
   
   There are probably plenty of other feminists who don't feel like this talk was enough. And I will say that I don't think this is the end. But to me it was a clear step (albeit one of more steps that I hope we will take) to a more full understanding of the Priesthood, and that's all I want. I am not demanding anything, I just want a more full understanding. And for the first time in the years since I've been pondering this issue, I received some confirmation from Elder Ballard that I'm not a crazy person. Which confirmation, apparently, brought me to tears. 
   
   
   I just hope I'm not the only one who saw the importance of this moment. 

Soft Sunday Sounds: A story

Today I have a billion thoughts. It was one of those days when the little notebook I bring to church had three more pages filled out instead of three lines (or sometimes three words). But instead of giving you an inkling of them all, I will tell you a story.

Once upon a Wednesday I was ornery. I told my friend Kellyn if the day continued the way it had been going so far I was liable to drop an F-bomb. Keep in mind, I have never sworn in my life. So clearly my ornery level was chart topping, for a basically unknown reason.

My angry levels abated when I got to go running at the gym (my first time running in a gym, and I'm starting to see why people are always meeting people there, it is like a dating service all on its own). Exercise=good for anger. But then when the time came for me to leave my dance studio for institute and I still hadn't even come close to having my costumes ordered the anger came back. I am tempted to stay at the studio and just order costumes and skip institute for the third week in a row. 'But no,' I think, 'I should be in Institute.' So I go. Well, after many starts and stops of realizing I forgot my keys. Oh where's my coat? What the heck happened to my phone?

I arrive at the Institute building and realize I don't know what room my class is in. I signed up for the second half of the class I took last semester with the same teacher. But since I am no longer in school and forgot it was a new semester, I forgot to check. I try to sign into the CES website from my phone. Password wrong? No, try again. Wrong again. I try about 5 times before deciding, whatever, I'll just reset my password. After resetting my password, I try twice more with no luck. At this point I am 20 minutes late for class and I'm so angry I'm craving a Baconator (this is my angry food, chocolate for depression and red meat for anger).

SO whatever. I'm going to Wendy's. There's one right down the street, I'll go there. After about five minutes I realize I must have passed it and somehow completely not seen it at all. What the *almost swear word* (in my mind, not off my tongue, though that really isn't much better). I find the next Wendy's, park, and start walking in.

On my way in I'm stopped by a middle-aged man. He asks for some spare change to get food for his wife and kids.

My day changes.

"I don't have any spare change but I sure can buy you some food right now. Come on in and tell me what you want."

I have been waiting so long for that experience. Every time I see men with cardboard signs off the freeway exit I want to give them food, but they are always on the opposite side or I don't have food with me that day.  Finally.

But just think of it. If I hadn't been ornery enough to need a Baconator. If I had muddled through and gone to Institute. If I had said whatevs and stayed at the dance studio to order costumes. Who knew it was in God's plan for me to be ornery, skip Institute and not get something important done for my job.

God moves in mysterious and delightful ways.


In other news. Get ready for Valentines Day celebrations.

Songs like these...

I like to listen to a variety of Sunday songs. And it's songs like these listed below that make me wish Mormons took a musical page out of the Southern Baptist hymnbook. As one of my favorite seminary teachers said "Don't let Baptists have all the fun!"

This may have come about because I just watched the episode of Psych where Gus gets with his old A'cappella group, Blackapella. Still. This is good music.

Soft Sunday Sounds: Two laws.

So yeah, I'm aware I originally said this would be a weekly Sunday endeavor of Soft Sunday Sounds (you all get that reference right?). But you know, even as I typed it I thought, fat chance. Consistency is not in my nature. Sorry dudes.

However, I have some things to say today. If you're all on the same Sunday School schedule as me you had a lesson on "Old things are done away, and all things have become new". In my class, this essentially became a discussion of the Law of Moses and the "higher law". Which, ps, are there any scripture references actually calling it the higher law? I feel like I have seen at least one, but I can't remember what it is.

So. Step 1. This is not a post of knowledge. This is a post of confusion. I do not know the answers, I am not even close to knowing the answers. I only know that my questions are not yet satisfied in the answers I have so far received in my life.

I once took a wonderful class on Judaism and the Gospel by a fantastic professor at BYU. I learned a lot about Judaism, the Law of Moses, and how it relates to the Gospel as practiced by Latter-day Saints. I promptly forgot much of it. (Except for the hilarious things he said, because I have an amazing memory for hilarity. *it hangeth on the Jewish Christmas tree* was one of my favorites.) I do, however, remember that I began to consider the relationship between these two laws as I never had. And ever since then, Sunday School lessons on the topic have been a bit excruciating for me in their simplicity. (Not half as bad as faith versus works lessons, I have literally had to walk out of the room during those lessons. Any comments may come out as condescending venom, which isn't so conducive to the spirit.)

Here are some things I do know about these two laws. 

1. They were both created and given by Christ in His eternal knowledge and understanding of what was necessary at the time.
2. Those under the Mosaic Law were still told to "love their neighbor" (Lev. 19:18) This is not a New Testament phenomenon. I will be honest in saying when I saw this in Leviticus I was flabbergasted. I felt like I had been taught all my life that this was a deeply New Testament and later idea, that any time prior to this it was an eye for an eye.

Here are some things I wonder. 
1. If there is any parallel to the difference in the physical trials of pioneers to the deeply internal trials of today. Especially after reading this scripture

But this shall be the covenant that I will make with the house

of Israel; After those days, saith the Lord, I will put my law

in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and 

will be their God, and they shall be my people. 

Jeremiah 31:33

2. How these laws are the same. 

3. How these laws are different. 

4. Why?

In other news:

1. My hair looks bombin' today. 

2. I love subbing at Fremont (everyone cross their fingers that dear Mrs. Saunders really does retire next year and I get her job)

3. I am almost 24. 

4. I have officially bought nearly 20 books total in less than one month spanning over three excursions. None of which initially included the buying of anything at all. 

Soft Sunday Sounds: Stayed awake!

This my friends, is a historic day. Is an historic day? When do you use an? ...Excuse me while I go look at my diploma and remind myself that I graduated from college.

Back to the point. This day. It is big.

I stayed awake through the whole of conference. Every single talk was heard by my ears in a conscious state. And I took notes the whole time!

Now don't get me wrong, I have always loved conference, and always desired to stay awake. My desires, however, simply haven't always been deep enough to move me to action. Here are some reasons I stayed awake.

1. Candy. Yeah. My mom got candy. She and I are both chocoholics. It's very useful to live with her. 
2. Jewel Star. It's a game I have both on my phone and on my mp3 player. I pay attention much better when I am physically moving, I am a kinesthetic learner. So instead pacing during the whole conference, I gave this a try. In fact I have been doing this lately in Relief Society as well. While to everyone around me I look like a slacker who plays games on her phone instead of listens to the lesson, I am in fact paying much better attention than I would otherwise. PS, for those of you who know me, this is why I twirl my hair. All the time. 
3. I needed it. I was looking forward to conference for some time, then suddenly forgot about it in the last two weeks. Two days ago, in a soul searching scripture study session (woa, unintentional alliteration) I realized I wasn't applying myself to my gospel progression and it hit me that I hadn't been preparing myself for conference! I began to make mental notes of the questions I wanted answered. I began watching conference with a few questions written down in a nice blank notebook waiting for inspiration. 

And now, to celebrate my staying awake, I will share with you my impressions of my favorite talks. 

• President Monson's announcement of changing the missionary age for young women was especially exciting to me. This doesn't affect me twice over (I'm nearly 24 and have never had a desire to go on a mission as a single sister) but I'm a burgeoning Mormon feminist (gasp!) and I teared up at this step in a great direction. 
• Robert C. Gay of the 70. A loose quote 'With self justification of petty sins, Satan wins.' This was a direct hit for me. His whole talk to me was just really clear, concise, and useful. 
• Neil L. Andersen. First of all, is he never not smiling? I love this man. Second, he made me really realize that I been digressing in my spiritual progression and gave me a recipe for progress. Another loose quote 'Immerse yourself in those things that originally built your faith when having a trial of faith.' This gave me the desire to remember what it was that built my testimony during my time at BYU and make sure that I am still doing those things. After making a little list during his talk, I realized I am doing virtually none of them. No wonder!
• President Eyring. Again. Loose quote 'The pavilion that seems to cover doesn't cover God but covers us because of our own desires - we may be unwilling to submit to his time'. Smack in the face. And he is just such a tender man! 
• Elder Holland. For this I will simply quote what I tweeted during conference. (Yes I tweet, it's a little embarrassing.) "Elder Holland sure is a firecracker. #ldsconf" Yes. I hashtag. 
• Russel  Osguthorpe Sunday School President. He really made me think about teaching, not that I don't think about it basically all the time. But as I teach dance, and as I substitute teach and prepare a curriculum for the classroom I will hopefully have, one particular thing he said will stick with me. He spoke of a student learning because he "asked his own question". 
• Marcus B Nash of the 70. Because he gave a clear outline of faith and helped clarify for me some of the differences between faith and hope. I definitely will have to read and re-read that when the Ensign comes out. 

Happy conference weekend my dears. And Happy Fall! Welcome back to my life burnt orange. 

Soft Sunday Sounds: Subjects of Gratitude

In my Relief Society lesson today we were urged to step outside of our comfort zone in order to grow. I got thinking to the times in my life when I did this in hopes that I can begin to replicate it in my current life. Because for some reason when you move back home, your comfort zone becomes much the same as it was when you last lived here, ie. high school. Thinking about this brought me back to my journey through folk dance.

When I started folk dance, I was so nervous to go to club nights that I got nearly physically ill and emotional in the crowded room of people dancing that I did not know. I've always had a difficult time with large crowds and the prospect of them was terrifying. As I progressed in the program I knew more and more people, so the large group seemed smaller and more friendly. But there came a point in my progression in the program where I decided to look for those dancers who looked like I was before I became comfortable at club nights.

In addition to this, I was a TA for lots of folk dance classes at BYU. In fact, the last couple of years in my time at BYU it seems that I had been the TA for the majority of people in the folk dance program at least once. In this role I did not just attend class and demonstrate at the front of the classroom. Being a future teacher and someone who is passionate about dance, I gave one-on-one help (inside and outside of class), I gave encouragement and pep talks, and I tried my best to remember names, even after I wasn't their TA anymore.

In all of these situations, I came to grow as a person. I came to love people more and work harder and be better than I thought I could be. Those who I helped had personal triumphs in which I shared their joy, and I thought, this is my payment for helping them.

And it was more than enough. But it wasn't all.

Last week I visited Provo for some time with some of my dearest friends and I decided to drop in on a folk dance workshop. I walked in and saw so many people I had worked with and felt joy at their progression in the program. But that wasn't all. I was then assaulted with hugs the entirety of my stay at the workshop. So many people I had helped came over and showed that they cared about what was happening in my life, that they were happy I was there, and that they loved me. I was overwhelmed, not realizing how long-lasting the fruits of service could be. And little did they know that the tables were now turned and they were serving me. They were reminding me that there are many people who love me, who care about me, who think I'm a great person.

So it seems to me, that I need to be grateful to be a subject of gratitude. Service, as it turns out, is like karma. It all comes back to you.

Soft Sunday Sounds: Boundlessly curious

This post is inspired by a quote from one of my favorite professors at BYU.

Because I'm boundlessly curious and must know everything.

This is a pretty good description of me. And because I love learning so much, I also love to learn about learning. It's just this great cycle of love and learning. And since so many people are going back to school and I'm not, and I just attended a fireside which sparked some thoughts on learning, I felt this was a good topic for today. 

As I listened to WSU President Ann Millner's words at the start of a fireside tonight at the Weber State Institute Building in Ogden, she said a phrase that sparked a sudden bringing together of ideas from across my brain. The phrase was "stewards of learning". Stewardship has always been something I've loved to learn about. My first interest in stewardship came as I learned about the law of consecration and stewardship in the early Mormon Church. I loved the idea that members of the Church gave all they had to the Church, but that they were then trusted with property (generally the very property they had just given to the Church) and given stewardship or responsibility over that property. This stewardship both showed the trust that the Lord had in them, as well as an action of them physically bettering and making use of this property. So to me, the idea of stewardship very much implies a notion of action and doing. 

So when said in conjunction with learning I was delighted! The little I know about the scientific processes of learning have told me that true learning occurs only when a new pathway is constructed in the brain. So true learning produces an actual change in your brain. Being a steward of your learning to me, then, means you are taking active responsibility for what you learn and how you use it. 

Now, keep in mind these thoughts formed in milliseconds and I saw a flowchart in my head that I had to write down. 

Endowment - power from on high - knowledge is power - lifelong service and learning - being a steward of your learning

You see, another thing I've thought about increasingly over the last year and a half has been the endowment those who enter the LDS temple for the first time receive. I began planning last year to receive my endowment after graduating as it looked like I wasn't going to be married by that time and I wasn't planning on serving a mission (the major reasons most people receive their endowment). This has been compounded by the fact that I have been studying the Doctrine and Covenants for the last year and a half and have read much about the restored traditions of the temple. For reasons unimportant to this blog I decided to wait for an impending marriage to receive my endowment, but it hasn't taken the yen to receive it and the desire to learn about it out of my mind. 

Additionally, this morning I heard a talk on KBYU where the speaker mentioned that the endowment gives the receiver power from on high, and it has been said that knowledge is power. So you are receiving knowledge, which is something that I have understood from my limited knowledge of the events inside the temple. And the idea that learning is so important that it is an integral part of the most sacred spots on earth just increases my desire for more of it. 

So basically I am boundlessly curious. And I probably shall be for all of eternity. 

Soft Sunday Sounds

I have decided to start doing a staple, weekly, Sunday post on Gospel topics. I decided to this for many reasons. But I'm not going to tell you any of them. So there.

This week during my church meetings I was reading in Luke 10, re-discovering a scripture chain I must have made at some point (seriously, I love re-discovering those things and figuring out what my train of thought was in creating it). I was reading the story of the lawyer who was asking the Lord who his neighbor was. This seems like an innocent question, but there is a key phrase in verse 29 that shows the true intentions of the lawyer.

29. But he, willing to justify himself, said unto Jesus, And who is my neighbour?

It's at this point that the lawyer starts reminding you of that weedy boy in 10th grade who liked to argue with everyone. And the reason for this is because he was "willing to justify himself". Wanting to justify yourself often means you want to explain yourself to make a bad deed you did seem not so bad, or even good. If this lawyer could justify himself in being unkind to someone because he wasn't his neighbor, then he could cock and bull reason his way out of all kinds of commandments. Real justification, however, is not something you can do to yourself, you can try, and you can be willing, but if you do, it shows that you don't understand the true meaning of justification. 

Justification is when something is made right, and something can't be made right without a perfect knowledge of it. You can't correct your own math homework, you have a teacher who does that because the teacher, in his or her knowledge of math, is above you. We can't justify ourselves because we don't have a perfect knowledge of things. We think we do. We wish we did. But if we really were the ones in charge of justifying ourselves, every day would be like an I Love Lucy episode. Cringing side effects and bad laugh tracks. But Ricky won't make everything better at the end of the episode, because you decided to take all responsibility.

Justification for our poor deeds can only be done by someone with a perfect knowledge. Justification for our mistakes can only be done by someone above us. Justification can only be done by (in, through, etc.) Christ. Ever. Through faith in Christ. Through hope in Christ. Through using and understanding his Atonement.

That being justified by his grace, we should be made heirs 

according to the hope of eternal life. 

I for one am very glad it's not my job to justify my sins. 

Resources on justification:

http://mormonchannel.org/qa/25

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2001/06/justification-and-sanctification

http://www.cometozarahemla.org/saved/sanct-just-chart.html

http://www.mormonwiki.com/Justification